Accidentally Never Bored: "I Give Myself Away"

"I Give Myself Away"

Here I am Here I stand Lord,

my life is in your hands

Lord, I'm longing to see

Your desires revealed in me

I give myself away.....

Take my heart Take my life

As a living sacrifice

All my dreams all my plans

Lord I place them in your hands

Obedience.

The word makes me think of children. It's not pretty.

I'm not a mom, but as a nanny throughout college and again for the last few years I've had a little practice training children up. Basically the extent of my practice makes me realize how hard parents' jobs are! As a nanny I get to leave!

The baby learning to move about on the changing table needs to learn to stay still.

Obey. He isn't a fan.

The toddler beginning to learn freedom in being mobile must also learn boundaries. Obedience. Testing the waters.

(Insert frequent pauses for deep breaths from parents and/or nannies here.)

Four year olds going on fourteen year olds must be reminded who's boss. Obey.

(Insert tantrums and frequent time outs here.)

They're kinda like children, right??

Obedience. It's honestly not a word that brings a smile to my face!

When I was a kid I hated brushing my teeth. I shamelessly tried to get my parents distracted each night before bed hoping they'd forget to ask that most dreaded question second only to being asked to wash the dishes that had been sitting out for days: "Heather, did you brush your teeth?"

Sometimes I'd be halfway up the stairs; sometimes I'd be all the way to my bedroom. Inevitably they would ask and I'd have to turn around. Usually not without a slammed bedroom door or a few solid stomps on the hardwood floor just so Dad and Mom knew how much I detested the horror they were putting me through! Dad would make me re-walk the stairs, redo the trek from my bedroom, or re-close my door until I got it right.

I was kind of a stubborn kid (thank the Lord THAT'S over with!) and it wasn't unusual to have to walk up those stairs three times or "practice" closing my door a few times before going to bed. Just something in me NEEDED them to know I was not thrilled with their idea of obedience!

Unfortunately I'm realizing in many ways I'm still that child trying to pull one past on her dad. These days it's my Heavenly Daddy.

(Just so ya'll know, I'm rather obsessed with brushing my teeth these days. I currently have a toothbrush in my backpack...just in case! After all, who wants coffee stains?)

Lately, I've realized I've pretty much been that four year old for a few months now (tantrums and all!) God has me on a different sort of time out though. One of more quietness again (something this extrovert doesn't like to seek out) and lots of time getting back to some things I hold so dear which I've misplaced in the last several months.

Things like:

walking in my identity in Christ

trusting God abundantly and wholeheartedly

waiting expectantly on God with the fullness of joy

reveling in God's intimate presence

being thrilled to be on the journey with God.....no matter what (that's the kicker right there!)

For months I've been going through the motions yet honestly, struggling. I wrote a little about it in my last post. I kept thinking the silence, the bleakness in a sense, was just a dry spell - a wilderness period. It made sense. It happens. It especially happens in extended seasons full of challenges (I'd say the last 17 months constitute as that!)

So I kept pressing on. I read my Word. Was quiet before Him. Sang and listened to praise songs at work (a benefit of nannying indeed!) Talked with the Lord. Persevered.

Or so I thought.

Only in the last month have I begun to realize it wasn't all wilderness. Oh I'm sure some of it has been for sure, but I've come to realize obedience was more at the forefront.

Listening. Rather, the lack of listening.

We never know who or what we're going to run
into throughout our journeys in obedience...

Here I thought I was being the "good, obedient Christian" by pressing through! Only to find - after some more of those terrible tantrums! - while I'd been hearing "trust Me" and "wait on Me" for months and months and months, I had my own agenda that I wasn't letting go of.

I wanted adventure. Fun. Freedom. My life back.

To be able to volunteer somewhere or commit to things and not worry about pain. To be able to go on a trip and not think about how soft the bed may be or how tough the commute could be. To be able to make plans and just leave it at that. I wanted my old life back - one I had a year and a half ago - and couldn't think of much else, especially anything new and different God may be wanting to do!

I mean, surely He wouldn't allow me to have this massive time out bring, me physical healing, but then still not open doors to do all that, right!? Right!?

That's been my biggest fear: "What if even after I'm all healed up I still don't get my life back? What if I'm stuck in a different way?"

So while I kept hearing wait and trust thinking I was doing just that by faithfully getting into the Word, praying, singing praises to Him, etc., etc. I've come to realize I was hardly being obedient. Certainly wasn't trusting completely.

I wasn't asking God tough questions like: "What can I do for You right here where I'm at? How do You want to work in and through me right now? What doors, however small, are You placing directly before me? What new desires are You wanting to build in me? How can I bring honor and glory to You here in this place?"

Because I didn't want to hear. One of the scariest things we humans do is trick ourselves. I tricked myself into thinking I wanted to hear but just had to wait. Nope. I wanted to hear what I wanted to hear!

....at the end of a day Brook, Amanda (both nurses!) and I will
never forget we ran into a lady who'd rolled her ankle miles from the
trailhead. We were so exhausted and wished we'd been back at the
car hours before this, but thank goodness we were on that path right then
because those two nurses had everything (except the lama!) this lady needed!

My Heavenly Daddy has been SO GOOD to reveal such hard things as a lack of obedience! Who wants to be stuck in the wilderness when all He's asking for is obedience?

Obedience.

Even when the road ahead appears endless.