For over a year and a half I've been asking, "Lord don't let me move past this season without a spiritual upgrade." Looking back, maybe that was a ridiculous prayer to pray! Maybe I'd be so much further along by now if my stubbornness hadn't kept me from learning much more readily!
Months and months and months and MONTHS went by without feeling I'd learned anything or had grown. It really stunk. I mean aren't we supposed to glean massive amounts of perspective from life's challenges? I've heard that people who come through life-altering traumas come out of it a different person. Honestly, at the beginning of this summer all I could say was: it has been LONG! Full of high hopes then set backs; encouragements then reality punches; pasted on smiles to the masses, tears with a few; living an introvert's life in an extrovert's body.
L.O.N.G.
In the past 19 months of recovery and rehabilitation I've made many mistakes. Some brought on by the encouragement and "okays" of well-meaning but unqualified-in-this-particular-area medical professionals and some by my own desire to be like the rehab peeps you see on TV. You know, the kind where the music gets super energetic and in a period of 120 seconds the athlete goes from being majorly injured in the hospital unable to move to sweating, gritting their teeth, "pushing through the pain," learning how to walk again, and back in action. I have since decided I hate those movies.
Late spring and early summer of this year found me in some pretty big slumps. Just as everyone was beginning to enjoy the weather, it seemed I was constantly reminded of all the things I STILL couldn't do. Couldn''t go backpacking. Couldn't play volleyball (not that I'm a fan anyway but still!) Forced to sit on the sidelines (I am sooo not a sidelines kinda gal.) Couldn't go on a long hike. Couldn't go on long bike rides. Couldn't rock climb. Couldn't go tubing down the "raging" river. Couldn't couldn't couldn't.
To be frank, even though I'd begun to do much more than I'd yet been able to, it was possibly the lowest point emotionally throughout this entire process. I didn't handle it well. At all. I whined, cried, and complained to those closest to me and began to avoid events. People continued to be unbelievably supportive but I was sad, negative, and began to withdrawal.
THEN, something happened. Something remarkable. In the midst of an unexpected and incredibly challenging time I realized I couldn't be alone and desperately craved any distraction I could get. I was already essentially alone all day nannying for a baby so I began making plans every single night of the week. I just HAD to keep my calendar full to get through each day. The remarkable thing? Only weeks prior, this would have been far too much and my body would have quickly told me I needed to cool it or else. THIS time? Well, I believe God in His merciful lovingkindness decided it was simply time for things to start progressing more rapidly!
Thus began a new summer. Instead of what I couldn't; a summer of coulds. Last summer people kept saying, "One of these days you're going to reach a turning point and just GO!" A year later, I've finally reached that turning point!
It seems like that vicious cycle of "over doing" it is on it's way out. FINALLY I can "push" myself and see positives ahead! This summer has been far from a piece of cake, but the one thing I am unbelievably over-the-moon thankful for is the physical progress.
I went bowling ya'll. It was SO cool!!! I've been climbing lots of stairs, walking up mini hills, and riding all sorts of rides at a water park nearly every weekend since July. I began the summer biking maybe 8 miles at a time and now I'm at over 25 miles! Back in April I had to drastically limit my evening activities after work while now I can be busy all night if I want! I went car camping this summer for the first time in two years and found I can sit on the ground without a pillow. I mean my derriere goes numb, but doesn't everyone's when sitting on the ground? That said, my sleeping arrangements were totally cush. We're talking full-out air up mattress, a feather bed, a gigantic 800 count -40 degree sleeping bag, and 4 pillows. But why not!? I mean I AM a princess of the King after all! Somehow I just don't envision princesses sleeping any less than cush.
The list goes on and on. This week will be the third week of going country dancing. For most it's a fun night out. It's definitely the same for me but also so much more. I get in my vehicle at the end of the night and, even if I'm a little bit sore, I am just ecstatic at God's healing and strengthening power! Twists, turns, twirls, stomps, and lots of time on the feet. Wow is God GOOD!
Some things are still hard. Like long car rides and heavy backpacks/purses. But I am confident it won't be like that for long! I cannot even speak about how abundantly thrilling it is to now be looking toward that 2 year mark and know this time there will be no more goals unmet. No more pushing back the time frame for when I will be 100%. I've got my ski pass and I am going to ski. I tell people I'll know I've arrived once I can rock climb again. Come January I fully intend on doing just that!
I'm still figuring out the whole "pain is God's megaphone" thing. Reprioritizing what's important is certainly something I've learned and continue to check myself on. Learning to be still and just sit not having to DO anything is perhaps another (of course I'm sure I'll need many more reminders of that until the day I die!) Waiting on and trusting in God with little and big things is definitely a big one. Although I've recently learned while we can be at peace waiting and trusting in one area/trial, another situation can come and show us "Man, I really don't have this waiting and trusting thing quite figured out yet! Okay God, help me to trust You with my WHOLE heart!"
So I guess, while I'm sure eventually I'll look back and find many things I've learned, right not I'm not sure if I've truly learned anything other than a reminder of thankfulness. To name a few:
- being able to walk
- having a job
- paying my bills
- making my own food
- not having to plan out going to the grocery store with someone who can carry my bags
- making my bed (um...when I choose to?)
- the ability to lift my bike by myself and carry it up the stairs or put it in my car
- sitting through a church service and being able to chat after AND go to dinner and sit some more (on hard chairs too!)
- being free of carrying ice packs and pillows with me me everywhere
- enjoying a weekend full of activities and not paying for it later
- realizing I RAN up stairs numerous times at Water World and only realized it because my calves were sore!
- the ability to drive aggressively (yes, I'm one of those) and not wince at a bump in the road or a sharp turn
- realizing it's been a couple months since I've watched a movie
- ......just to name a few!
Praising God with you on your list of Thankfulness!!!
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