My (1st) Mountain Comeback

My downhill skis were propped against the wall near the door as I walked into the living room last Sunday morning. It was weird. I voiced just that to my roommate.

She asked if I was excited. "Right now my stomach is kind of in knots and I don't know what to wear!" Hey, anyone who has every gone in the backcountry with me knows...just because I get thrills out of some adventure sports does not make me any less of a girly girl!

I couldn't find my pink ski socks. My helmet did not match the snow pants I'd gotten last year after mauling my old ones in the accident. The pants my friend keeps at my place were too short but matched the outfit while the pink ones didn't match and were way too baggy but long enough.  What WAS a gal to do!?  

I compromised on the pink socks and pants. I was off to ski!

Photos courtesy of Adam Bratten

It was to be my first day back on downhill skis in 21 months and 29 days and it was a gorgeous blue sky day!

Over and over when family and friends have asked (or assumed) if I wanted to ski again they were shocked and nervous for me. Honestly I didn't understand their reactions at all! Fellow outdoor enthusiasts completely understood....there was never a question of IF I'd get back out there, just WHEN. 

I mean if you get in a car accident it's not like people ask, "So are you ever going to drive a car again?"

As the day came closer and closer I received many calls, texts, Facebook posts, etc. from people saying how proud they were that I was out there conquering my fear.  "Umm, fear? What fear were they talking about? I LOVE to ski! It's my absolute favorite thing to do!" 

I didn't understand them and frankly thought they were all being rather melodramatic....

.....until I got off the first lift, found I barely remembered how to turn on skis, looked at the slope looming before me, and began to freak!!

"It's just like riding a bike."

I'm sorry but on a bike you just peddle, balance, and use your breaks when needed. When I've ridden my bike I've never had what seemed like millions of bikers flying down hills at me or the threat of hitting an icy patch!

To be frank, I didn't handle it well. Never did I imagine I'd be that terrified. I've not been that scared in my life! Ever.  

I was mad at myself. Mad for doing worse on skis than I'd done even on my first day out three years ago. Mad I was showing weaknesses. Mad it wasn't like riding a bike. At least not yet... 

It was so much more.   As I skied down my first run, tears of fright threatened to fog my goggles bringing further fright. Taking slow turns over and over and over I kept vividly remembering the long fall down the mountain. Pictures, memories, and thoughts I hadn't completely recalled until that moment kept breaking into my mind. It was the never-ending run and I was utterly scared stiff and petrified, shaking, and had to keep reminding myself to breath. 

This stance screams: "Ahhh flatter ground!" haha

Apparently when people said "I'm proud of you for conquering your fear," they knew more than I did! 

I got home Sunday evening and said to my roommate, "I definitely wouldn't say I conquered the fear everyone's been talking about. I'd say I just realized I have one!!"

BUT, here's the thing about being persistent (okay maybe some would call it stubborn...) all those irritating emotions that seemed to be holding me back make me ALL THAT MORE intentful and determined to get past this!

So thankful for the patience, encouragement, & support of everyone...

especially when I was flipping out and needed to take some needed breaks!

The good news? There's a lot. I've got to remember that!

1. I COULD SKI!! Do you know how many times medical professionals made it sound bleak or entirely unhopeful??
2. I have made many many goals in the last nearly 2 years but this was only the 1st (maybe 2nd?) goal I have actually met! I've been wanting to ski by Thanksgiving weekend and I did!
3. I made it down 3 runs. (Not the 4-6 I was hoping for but still better than 2!)
4. I made wise decisions to rest (of course it helped that I was terrified and needed a mental break!)
5. I was surrounded by people who love me on the slopes!
6. Friends and family across the country who have been my prayer warriors throughout this process were praying for me and checking in to see how things went.
7. I really wasn't in pain the next couple days! That, my friends, is a miracle from God!
8. I am an overcomer and WILL continue to overcome this! I've come so far and nothing is too hard for God!